Press Releases

May 9, 2011

How to …Cope with Infertility on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day:

Spring is a time for celebrating Mother’s and Father’s Day.  It can also be a particularly difficult time for those struggling with infertility. Dealing with these two holidays can be a challenge, but with some forethought and planning you can make it through.

It becomes important to acknowledge feelings and prepare emotionally.  When you develop some good coping skills, it may help you navigate the holiday and help you handle questions and comments from family and friends.

To cope is to “develop the ability to manage in a difficult situation”.  With that in mind, here are some coping mechanisms to help you through difficult times, not only for Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, but also to develop these within you from which to draw strength at any time.

These are only a few suggestions. Play around with them; see which ones feel right for you; practice them and talk about them.

1. The first step is to really think ahead about the day and plan a strategy in advance.  Don’t wait until the day comes or invitations to start rolling in.
2.  Let go of guilt about how you are feeling.  There is no right or wrong day to experience Mother’s or Father’s day.
3. Know your limits and stick to them.  Respect your feelings. If attending a family gathering is too painful, then don’t.  However, if a family gathering is planned and it will be a pleasant experience for you, then of course, attend.  However, if there are going to be a lot of pregnant women or lots of children around and you know this will upset you, consider other possibilities to honor parents or grandparents.  You may make plans to see your mother/father at another time during the weekend.
4. Recognize potential painful situations. Restaurants may be a source of discomfort.  Some restaurants give small gifts to mothers, be aware that this may happen so that you are not caught “off guard”.
5. If you attend religious services, be aware and make sure you are comfortable knowing that the service’s focus may be on parents.  If you feel comfortable, you can ask your clergy to include words of support or acknowledge those congregants facing a crisis at this time.
6. One coping mechanisms or tip is to prepare an answer for uninvited questions about how you are feeling.  Remember always - you do not need and are not required to tell anyone your entire “story”.  This holds true for any time.  If you want to share with certain people, that is certainly appropriate and helpful.  However, remember if you do not wish to discuss something, it is always your right to say so.  Practice a response before joining any situation where you might be asked questions you do not care to discuss.  Remember, most people are well intentioned and not prying to upset or hurt you.
7. Communicate with your partner to let him/her know your feelings.  Whether you and your partner feel the same or differently, it helps to share your feelings.  You may be surprised and learn something from the discussion. If you are single, call a friend or relative with whom you feel safe to share your feelings.
8. Plan an enjoyable day together.  It is important to work together as a couple during these difficult days.  Plan something that is unrelated to parenting.  Consider tuning out the holiday emphasis and make it an opportunity to celebrate your love and strength as a unit.

These are just some coping mechanisms to help you deal with Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. However, if you take them as general coping mechanisms, unrelated to any holiday or time of year, they are still powerful tools to have in your arsenal to work through any crisis.

Courage,
Linda Stern LCSW